If you saw my IG post I put up the other day, then you know where I’m going with this.  Let me first start by saying that I still believe that deciding to compete is one of the best decisions I have ever made.  I love the discipline, structure, and drive it fires up in me, and I know that the longer I continue to train and live this healthy lifestyle the more my physique will continue to develop and muscles will continue to grow.  Bodybuilding is a process.  A continual process.  Every opportunity I have to push myself makes me love this sport more.  And I’m still only just beginning.  Competing is just as much you competing against yourself as it is you competing against others.

You all should know by know that I tend to be pretty honest here about my fitness journey.  That said, I haven’t been fully transparent with you guys about post-show life.  Everyone’s body is different, and what we’ve learned about mine is that it apparently is taking me a while to “balance out” after the show.  Prep is really hard on your body physically, particularly with hormones and your metabolism.  Your body gets used to surviving on a very low caloric intake, and carbohydrate intake, and as you know, your diet is extremely restricted and super clean.  No alcohol, no sugar, etc.  My downfall was really those first two weeks after my show when I was travelling and not really sticking to my structured diet and eating on plan.  Lesson learned.  DO NOT GO TO NEW ORLEANS or ANYWHERE on vacation right after a show!!!  Your body needs to be able to acclimate back to a normal diet, and it is much easier to do that when you have time and a routine.  I won’t lie.  I was still getting my workouts in those first two weeks, but I was pretty wheels off with my nutrition.  After those first two weeks though, I was totally back on the bandwagon and have stayed on since then.  I haven’t binged, haven’t skipped a workout, haven’t skipped cardio, haven’t skipped meals.  I’ve stuck to the plan.  2 months and 20 pounds later here we are.  Not going to lie, it has taken me 2 months to adjust to the “softer” look I have.  I go back and forth between feeling like the Michelin Man, and feeling like a damn linebacker because my shoulders feel so much bigger!  My clothes fit differently, and the scale and I have a mutual hate-hate relationship.

The good part?  I’m strong as hell in the gym.  I’m pushing myself to add weight on exercises, have had fun changing up my workouts, and am having a blast when I train.  If there’s one thing I want to make sure I stick to, it’s my love of lifting and how much fun I have working out.  I freaking love it.  I’m enjoying my weekly cheat meals with Shane, and the occasional cocktail.  This is a lifestyle, and it works for me.

Here’s the not so good part.  Any competitor will tell you though that it’s a total Mind F&%k watching your body morph into something totally different post-show.  In short, I spent the first probably 5 weeks after my show feeling like a fatass and a part of me felt angry at my body for turning on me.  You were so cooperative during Prep!  What the eff is going on?!?  Why do I keep gaining weight?!?!  I wouldn’t be as mad if I had been frequenting drive-thrus, eating copious amounts of peanut butter, or wolfing donuts and cupcakes on every whim, because then I would have had myself to blame.  But again, I wasn’t.  What the eff was going on?!?!   I’m so glad I have such an awesome coach, and great friends and teammates that understand and can mentor me as I enter this “offseason” phase.  Offseason is when a competitor is consuming more food (still on a “clean” diet), and focuses on building more muscle (gains) so that they ultimately will have a better physique at their next competition.  Weight gain is an automatic after a show, but in a true offseason it’s pretty much your focus.  Good weight gain though.  Muscle.  There’s as fine line to balance between fat weight gain and muscle growth.  After my show, my coach and I set a goal to hopefully do my second show in the Fall, giving me an 18 week offseason before I started another prep.  If I do the show we’re planning on in November, I would theoretically start Prep again in August, but honestly we’re in a watching and waiting mode right now.  Luckily I have check-ins with my coach every two weeks, where he can monitor my progress and see how my body is changing with my diet and training.  I’m still doing cardio several times a week, and this week we decided to start carb cycling again at dinner a few days a week so that I can keep my body fat under control while my metabolism sort of resets.  I’m not going to go quite as crazy with cheat meals for the next two weeks just to see how things go, because honestly, I really don’t want to get any bigger than what I am right now (body fat wise) and my coach doesn’t want me to either.  It’s a learning process for both of us.  As frustrated as I’ve been with my body, I’m happy to say that I feel like I’ve really turned a page this week.  I’ve learned that being frustrated and pissed off at myself won’t make me any leaner.  Sticking to my diet and kicking ass in the gym and focusing on that and the other positives in this process (like the growth of my legs and my strength building!) will make accepting my new “look” easier.  Wouldn’t it be awesome if we could all walk around all shredded all the time?  Sure!  But honestly, yeah right.  That’s totally unrealistic.  You have to have balance, and being that LEAN for an extended amount of time isn’t healthy!  Nicole Wilkins (the Figure dynasty and one of my biggest role models) looks totally different in her offseason than she does on the Olympia stage.  Why I am I holding myself to an unrealistic standard?

I have this image in my mind of what I want to look like at my next show, and I’m not stopping till I get there.  In order to change and grow your physique, you have to EAT more to TRAIN harder and build more muscle.  This is all part of the process.  If it were easy, everyone would do it, and many competitors can’t deal with this part of competing, so that’s why they quit.  As for me, I’m sticking to my diet, sticking to training, and trusting the process.  This is me embracing my fluff, embracing this part of my journey, and embracing what’s ahead.

Till next time,

-Mere